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Luau pig is a lot of fucking work, but that is the price of becoming a living god.
First up is a list of things you need, you can substitute as you wish, this is what I used;
260 lb Pig – Professionally butchered and dehaired, tell them it’s for a pig roast, it shouldn’t cost you more than $1/lb
25 ft Burlap fabric – Hit up the local sewing store, or get some old burlap sacks…I have a membership card so the sewing store cuts me a deal and I get to hit on some sweet old bitches. (During the depression every chick swallowed…it was a free meal). You’ll want the fabric cut into strips 2 ft X 4ft or somewhere close to that.
50-75 Banana Leaves – The local Asian friendly grocery stores had more than enough, don’t pay more than $1.50/lb for these leaves. Make sure you clear out the store completely, nothing pisses off old asian ladies more than a white boy buying all the sticky rice leaves.
15 heads of lettuce – Don’t forget to tell the goth chick at the check out that it’s for your pet bunny.
Round river rocks – local landscape yard called them Montana Round River Rocks 4″-8″. The key is that they are round, never touched saltwater, and don’t crack easily. Steal one rock and throw it into your BBQ on high for an hour….did it explode and kill you? no? good buy a whole bunch more.
Cord of Hardwood Firewood – The key here is to burn long and hot…like that case of sphyllis your mom gave me.
Plastic tarp 12′ X 12′ – Get the thick decent kind usually silver in color, not that see-through blue or green shit.
Chicken Wire 5′ X 8′ – Hardware store should have this, same rules apply as always; make sure to stop by the paint isle and ask the hot chick where the caulk is, she loves that.
1. Dig a big fucking hole. You’ll want to start this one about 2 weeks in advance cause sure to fucking hell you’re gonna hit a layer of clay, followed by gravel, then solid fucking cement chunks. Hole should be about 2.5 ft X 6 ft x 2 ft deep, if it looks like a shallow hooker grave you got it right.
2. Make a big teepee fire out of the hard wood, the hole should be completely filled and overflowing with hardwood a good bottom layer of bark/kindling is a very good idea. Soak the Burlap fabric strips in some buckets of water while this is happening…the buckets of water might be handy if the fire gets out of control…..
3. Stack all the river rocks on top of the wood, you should have enough rocks to cover the firewood completely with cracks inbetween them. Pour a shitload of lighter fluid / Methyl Hydrate through the cracks and soak the wood down to bottom. Light a match.
4. Lose your eyebrows.
5. The fire will burn for a good 2-3 hours at least, giving the fire department time to stop by to see what all the fucking smoke is about, and your girlfriend time to hit on Mr. Hottie Fireman. Now would be a good time to remind yourself that the fire pit is girlfriend sized and will be left over after this whole process.
6. Time to prep the pig. Place the chicken wire down on your table all spread out, place a nice double layer of Banana Leaves on top of it, then set the pig down on top of that on it’s back, legs spread like your sister. Coat the pig with a layer of soy sauce, brandy and about 5 lbs of Rock Salt. (pouring Soy sauce into the throat opening should make it come out the pig snout…your gonna wanna get video of that cause it’s fucking sick-awesome). Line the inside of the pig with banana leaves.
7. Once the fire has died down and the rocks are glowing red / white hot. (yes they will be glowing, if not add more wood and tend the fire for a few more hours). You can pull out the big chunks of charcoal and spread the coals out until you have a good flat surface.
Find the drunkest guys in the group; give them shovels and tell them to fish out some glowing rocks to drop into the Banana leaf lined pig stomach. Steam should start shooting out of all the pigs orifices like a Looney Toons / Smoking-Vagina porn movie.
8. Wrap the chicken wire / leaves around the pig like a basket and start tieing it closed with metal ties. While this is happening have the drunks spread the lettuce leaves out on top of the bed of coals and rocks, followed by a very thin layer of banana leaves….just enough to cover up the rocks and coals.
9. Throw your back out carrying the bundled pig over to pit and lowering him onto the bed of leaves and coal and rocks. Cover the whole pig and pit with banana leaves a good double or triple layer…. go nuts. Cover that up with overlapping layers of the soaking wet burlap, cover it all and try and cover up any steam holes.
10. Place the tarp, (folded in half) over top of the whole hole and cover all the edges with dirt, no steam should be escaping…and the tarp will probably balloon up just like your wife 2 weeks after the wedding.
You’re all Pau (Done) let it sit like this for 8-16hrs…I left mine 16 hrs cause we had a Margarita machine and I wanted to get sufficiently drunk after all that work.
sweep the dirt away, un-tarp, un-burlap, un-leave the chicken wire basket pig. Haul it out onto a table, cut open the basket, peel the leaves away and carve away at the pig.
Prepare to eat pork for every meal for the next 6 months.